My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
