This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
