I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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