I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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