even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
