Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
