She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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