i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
