Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize