when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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