That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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