I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
When are your genitals available?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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