Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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