If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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