That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
