So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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