saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
