I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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