there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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