Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
