well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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