It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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