This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
