There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
