my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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