They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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