I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
