i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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