some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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