I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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