Just fell off a train. Bad.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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