mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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