Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
