Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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