how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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