fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
