I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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