Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
