There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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