I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
sarcasm needs its own font
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
