What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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