this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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