Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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