Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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