Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize