I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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