I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize