Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
