People in love make me want to vomit
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
