I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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