I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
