Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
