Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
