I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
