theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
