operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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