Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
