I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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