I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Houston, we have a blender
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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